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 rigidridr's Cancer BlogJuly 2, 2008
I was looking at my day calender and realized, I am within the one month mark for my 2.5 year check up. This will be my first without the “scope”. Just a urine test, Doc says it is good but I am a bit nervous about accepting the results without the look and see. Not that I mind missing the scope, for the timid, picture a man birthing a python. I actaully looked the scope over and it is rather small in diameter, I am left to assume that the nurse inflates it as it passes through the prostate. So now I sit and wonder…what if, you know the rest. I hate the total lack of control. Like I am just along for a ride in my own skin. On a happier note I have decided that it time for more ink, so I will be making an appointment to celebrate my test results. I am thinking of one of those little guys pissing on cancer, or maybe a set of lips with cancer written on them kissing my fuzzy butt. You know something tasteful and dignafied. Something that lets the world know just how I feel about this crap. If anyone knows Gemma or hears from her, ask her to drop by I am worried about her. If you are someone who has introduced yourself and then not updated, why not take a momnet and drop a line. I am always blessed to read all the posts, good or tough, lets me remember I am in good company. Take care of yourselves. Hug yourself and giggle, it freaks people out! Prayers and hugz to all 
June 23, 2008
For those poor souls among you, who do not know, a “rigid” is a motorcycle with no rear shocks. Much like a old style bicycle. You feel everything, the road had to offer, and the first point of contact is your butt. That being said, my son and I rode 700 miles to Mississippi and 700 miles back, plus about 100 while we were there. I would like to report two things, America’s pavement is not what it could be and I am too may be getting to upper age limits for this type of abuse. Never fear, I did not say I was growing up, just getting older. So, we had a wonderful fatherson trip. Mississippi is a wonderful place to hold revival, because the heat would make Hell seem so near. We went mosquito hunting. We slept in hotels that appear to have forgotten that cleanliness is next to Godliness and we ate junk food whenever the mood struck without fear of some female clearing her throat. Yes, my faithful readers, we went deep into man land, where clean underwear is optional and belching is an art form. But, I missed you all and am glad to be back. I prayed for you all while I was away and have left your names on God’s ears. Be well and LIVE life, don’t let this disease rob you of really living, at whatever pace you need or can handle. Hug yourself often and giggle Hi Mac, First of all, thanks for posting a comments on my weblog… http://celeni.blogforacure.com/weblog. So did you go to Little Sturgis (by the way, my spelling sucks too)? I emailed an excerpt from your blog to my boyfriend who has Stage 4 lung cancer. I sent him the “I am not cancer” in hopes that he will read your blogs and start expressing his feelings about this suck-ass disease. Pardon the language. I have certainly enjoyed reading your blogs and will continue to do so…I say “blog” so easily now…10 – 15 years ago who would have ever guessed that communication would have reached this level? LOL Hoping you are having a blessed day! Celeni Thanks for reminding us all how we can choose to live life to the fullest. You crack me up and make me smile. Glad you and your son had a good time! livestrong! You do bring a smile to my face each time I read your blog and THANKS for doing so. Hi Mac you always have something to say , that makes us all feel better. We,I am happy to be counted among your friends. Huf Sherri
June 18, 2008
Tonight my son and I are riding to Mississippi for the weekend. Big biker party and such. Good place to raise a 14 year old boy…lol. The wife is staying home so it is guys on the loose…I will update everyone Monday, if the jail has internet. Keep on keeping on. The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. Hugz and love to all of you, you are dear to me and a huge part of my survivorship. Thank you. Mac Does Mississippi even have internet?! Ha ha! Have a safe trip and enjoy yourselves. Teach him everything he’s not supposed to be taught ;) I wish I was going with you. My daughter-in-law and grandson live in Tylertown, Mississippi. have a lot of fun and thank you for always making me smile Hey Mac hope you had a great time. My husband and I use to ride when he was alive I do miss it. My crazy Dad who by the is 94 had to give up his Harley couple of years ago just to hard for him to handle… Hope you enjoyed the open road..
June 16, 2008
Before my cancer I can not remember anyone asking me how I was feeling or how I was doing. As if my cancer has defined me as a sick person for the rest of time. I know folks mean no harm, and their concern is nice, but, dammit I am not this infernal disease! I am still me, a long haired, overfed, sleeping gnome. A biker that will ride right up to the gates of hell, just to laugh at the devil. A father and a husband and a lover. A mechanic and a welder and sometimes an angry angry man. But I am not and never will be some candy ass victim! I have cancer but cancer sure as hell does not have me. I do not want people to look at me with pity, save it for someone who needs it. Look at me as a survivor. Envy my grasp of the reality that life is a vapor. Rejoice with me as you see me beat back this attack on my person. Cheer with me as you would any warrior that is standing with sword raised, daring an enemy to attack. Don’t show me pity! Help me fight or get out of my way. Thank you for allowing me to get that off my chest. I will now retire to the couch with my blanket and my Yorkie for a nap. Later I will return to kick someone’s ass and yell for wenches and ale. Mac That brought a smile to my face. I couldn’t have even began to say it better myself. I’m very happy that you are feeling okay enough to kick some ass. Thank you! Reading your blog made me smile and defined exactly how cancer makes you feel. I’m so sick and tired of running into people and them looking at me with sympathy and in a half-whisper say, “I heard about you…how are you doing?” It pisses me off! I know they mean well and I always manage a smile and tell them I’m doing great thanks for asking! I would rather they said, I’ve heard about you and I’m your friend and I’ll stand beside you while you fight. Mac, please know I’m your friend and will be honored to stand beside you and fight. Hugs, Right on Mac! You always make me laugh. I alwasy enjoy reading your thouhgt and/poems.Though I was dx in 10/94 with chronic myelogenus Leukemia and at that time they did not hace all that is availale to them now. I am so thsnkful. I had a Bone Marrow Biopsy on June 4
May 28, 2008
Thank you for the wonderful responses to my poetry. Yes I did write it, but please do not let that out. It is very hard to be a hard $%! biker and write poetry, so if we could keep this our little secret. All kidding aside, cancer, like everything else is what we make it. For today I choose to make it a positive thing. Love and prayers to all who come here. I’ve got my own stereotype for hard #$@ bikers…they are the biggest, sweetest, most honest, cuddliest bears in the whole world! And I’ve got a special place in my heart for all of them! But I won’t tell anyone. I think its funny that most people don’t know any better…just like pit bulls, you only hear about the bad stuff. Your poetry is great! I hope to see your collection in bookstores one day!
May 27, 2008
I worry I worry I worry I worry I will live today i really like this..did u write it? inspiring! i love hearing people being positive its contagious Your poetry is just beautiful. Dear Mac; YOu are always an inspiration and beam of sunlight for all of us here. It is a wonderful message that you give to us, that is, sharing your innner most feelings that most men have very difficult times in doing. I suppose Cancer can bring out the best in us. Weezie So beautiful, Mac. You are such a special guy.
six months Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, I thank you for opening my eyes. You always come up with some thing to think about. Hug to you and yours. Now I just want to share your poetry with thousands of other people. It is so profound. thanks These are great mac! Thanks so much for sharing. Thanks Mac, for sharing your thoughts with us….. Mac,
May 2, 2008
After my last check-up in February, I had a huge 6 tattooed on my elbow. 6 months between check-ups, 6 months at a time. Several of my friends here have talked about this (cancer) being too big a mountain to climb looking at the summit. That being said we break it down into a piece at a time. Well, my pieces are 6 month blocks. I start climbing right after a check-up and 6 months later I look back to see how far I have come. At the start of the climb I can bask in the victory of the climb I just finished and near the end I can see the top of the next peak, but right here in the middle I can’t see much of anything. I am too far to look back at a victory and too far from the next goal to see it clear. Here it is just a dark spot where there is nothing to do but grunt and scratch and will myself to keep inching upward. My knees are bloody and my hands ache and more than anything I just want to stop! Stop and rest without fear of falling off the path. I can look back to a couple of days ago when I had peace and the mood was sunny, but I can’t reach it. I see it like a postcard but I can’t remember being in it… The sky is cloudy and dark and thunderstorms are coming up Forgive my moody rant…. I need to focus on climbing for today, just keep climbing for today…maybe I should plan to climb for a minute, the day seems so long. I will climb for a minute…just for a minute. I put my hand in yours…and together we can do what we could never do alone Remember keep your head up and smile. Dear Mac; the winds are howling and the buds on the tress are swaying to and fro trying to look for some kind of sunshine that seemed to have disappeared 2 days ago. Much like your mood, the weather seems to speak of change constantly and that is what we have here. Constant change. I hope your minutes today turn into 1/2 hours tomorrow, and then an hour on Sunday. Why not ask for these little things don’t you think we deserve it??? Of course we do and especially you since this is a time right now that you are feeling blue. Let’s hope the colours change too and that tomorrow might be a shade of green. We are always thinking of you and your wonderful writings. You do it so well. Take care Mac. Weezie from Canada eh. Here’s my hand, Mac! I’ll rest with you through the storm. Its scary but wondrous…storms on the mountains. But they usually pass quickly, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Who knows, maybe that wind will give you a boost up the mountain, not off. Lisa Hi Mac, So what do they call the operating theater in the States? I suppose its a strange name for it really, lets hope they know what they are doing in there and are not actors! We are determined to get on our motorbikes this summer and do some serious miles….all we do is polish them right now! The thought of making too much noise riding through sleepy British villages is keeping us going! Hi mac, Hi Mac—i do not go past ‘one day at a time’....seems strange to some, but works for me. Try and think only positive and fun thoughts..Sue Hey man we were very moved by your words! With Lane Love Timmy D Mac
April 30, 2008
In the last few days I have had a wave of peace come over me that is unexplainable. Almost a euphoria. I would remember ingesting anything that would explain this…chuckle. I believe I have come to a place of rest, where-in I am able to accept my disease without anger and without fear. I am able to see it as it is, a miserable manifestation of evil that is to be eradicated with extreme prejudice, without destroying the vessel (me). This is an amazing revelation that I can directly attribute to a quote, “I went looking for a cure and I found a life”. Cancer is a nasty, nasty illness, but without it I would not see the beauty in survivorship. Without the uncertainty of the future I would not see the glory of today. Without the pain of this body I would not know the strength of this spirit. If it was not for my cancer I would not be here and I would not read your blogs and laugh and cry and pray for your journeys. If I could find no other blessings in my cancer, this place and those who I have met on this path would be enough. Peace to all who walk this path, either for themselves or in assisting another. May God be at your side and may you rest in the loving arms of Jesus. Mac Mac, you brought tears to my eyes reading your blog. You are so right with everything you have said. I have felt like this for a long time. But, cancer still stinks! May God give you more peaceful moments…Sue Mac,
April 18, 2008
Hello my fellow survivors. May God shine His light upon you and may you spend every day knowing you are loved. I hate winter, everything dies and is gray and dismal. I spent the winter on a therapist’s couch and being depressed. But today I road in the sun and felt the wind cut at my skin, and I was healed and happy. I caught fourth gear and wound out my trike. Find something to be passionate about! Find a place in your life that is not about this disease! Find a special place that you can go and be…be whatever you need to be to bring you peace. I am sorry I have not posted, but I have read and prayed and hugged you all and loved you because you have given me back a spirit of survival and a desire to fight and be passionate and alive. Thank you… Great thoughts Mac, I am glad I am alive to enjoy spring.. I know we all keep you in our prayers keep up with this great out look on like Nice to hear from ya. I love summer, I get to go to CA. on the central Coast Morro Bay. It is nice to get away form the heat here in AZ. Keep us posted and share you summer with us. Hopefully others will to. Hug Sherri Hey man! What do we have if not passion and love? The questions are now over. Stay up. Don’t worry about not keeping up with the blog-a-holic deal. It just might mean that you have a life….. Word! Hi Mac. Glad to see that your tricycle is moving up hill. I know what you mean about depression. A friend of mine is going through a real breakdown and is near suicidal so she says. Anyway I never really thought that I was anything but going along for the cancer ride, trying to be brave and not worry others. After hearing her story though, I got to thinking maybe I am a little depressed and I am not acknowledging the fact. So now I am taking stock of my feelings and trying to be real with them. I am always afraid and it usually hits me at night when I am supposed to be sleeping. NOT. So now I take a sleeping tablet just to help me in that regard. I suppose I should get a tricycle like yours and do some power cycling. That might help. I love to swim so I am joining our local community centre where there is an olympic size pool and jacuzzi. Anything to keep active. I should feel very lucky at this point and well I do. But once you are diagnosed with Cancer it just never really leaves you the same as before. So now I just figure I am in an elite group that constantly amzes and inspires me to be grateful for every day. Thanks for your prayers to the group. I know it really means so much to so many. Keep up your progress reports as we all want to know how each and every one is. Weezie from Canada eh. Mac – you rock! I am so glad you are a part of this community. ;-) Hey man, I just gotta drop by your (not so recently updated…rib-rib) page and say thanks for the comments man! Your insight is very much in tune with our vibrations and state of being. Intuition you trust rugged one? (Asked in a Yoda voice) Word Up brother! The little ones being here is such a sunshine injection it’s the RADDEST! I’m gettin the photos together right now so stay up, there are some good ones! For NVC information peep their DC site capitolnvc dot org, or just get yer Pirate booty to the bookstore/library and get Marshall Rosenberg’s book titled “Non Violent Communication” (this is the pop off book but any others will give you an idea, he’s a positive man) the biggety bomb. A bit of a tough process but once you have the opportunity to see some videos (You Tube It) and if you’re lucky maybe there are folks practicing in your area that you can talk to and/or observe the way it’s process is structured. There may be parts of it that seem “Cheesy” or “New-Age/Hippyish” but for me they have ended up being useful tools to role model the types of behavior we display/have programmed ourselves with and the potential that is within. Great to have you as a SUPER-PORTER! Timmy D
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06.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Hey man!
Good to hear that you are still living like a true Rugged Rider!
Stay strong and know that we are lookin out for you; thinking and praying (praying that I can get the image of your fuzzy backside out of my head!).
Mad Love kid!
Timmy D Lane
Hey Mac!
I had decided that I wouldn’t have anymore tats, but after this I’m going to get a crab. It will do double duty as my zodiac also! =o) That might be my last…
I think Gemma is on her trip.
That is awesome! Can’t wait to see the photos of your new tat.
Here is one of my favorite cancer tattoos.
I think that Gemma has a month off from chemo and was planning a trip to visit Zak. I have my first tatoo planned with two of my children when I am done with treatment. (I’m kinda scared that it will hurt) Everyone laughs at that saying what could be more painful than the crap your going through now!
Blessings.
Hi Mac. Glad you popped in to give us yet another laugh. You better post a picture of your new tatoo, not that I have any myself (too chicken, too conservative an upbringing, too old and well I would rather leave it up to the bold and the beautiful). That comment above with the girl’s head tatooed, you were a supporter of hers. Is she still around? I haven’t seen any posts lately. In fact I never ran into her posts before now. Lovely idea doing it that way. She must have had a lot of looks but only those with confidence could pull it off. Take care Mac and let us know of your results. Weezie
Heya Mac :) no need to be worried I’m still on my trip and haven’t had too much time to sit at one and comment on posts but I have been reading and I’m just fine, your concern is too sweet.
By the way make sure to take a picture of your new tattoo I’m curious as to what it will be.
Take care,
Gem
Hi Mac,
Good to hear from you. I always enjoy reading your posts. They always bring a smile to my face.
I am curious also to see a pic of your new tattoo.
Take care and God Bless.
Hugs and prayers,
Joyce