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You are here : Cancer Blog > Bladder Cancer Blog > Mac's Cancer Blog

Vital Info

Name:
Mac (rigidridr)

Member Since:
March 7, 2008

Location:
Indiana

Birthday:
March 31, 1964

Profile:
Cancer Survivor

Cancer Info

Type of Cancer:
Bladder Cancer

Medical Term for the Type of Cancer:
Bad News

Diagnosis Date:
February 6, 2006

Stage of Cancer:
Stage 1

Grade of Tumor:
Grade 1

What I Hate Most About Cancer:
It's very existence

What I Have Learned From Cancer:
To live every breath

Things My Supporters Can Do To Help:
Pray

Bladder Cancer Symptoms:

I began passing blood in my urine. That’ll scare the daylights outta ya.

Surgery Description, Dates & Side Effects:

Went in for a biopsy, stayed for the removal, never looked back. God is good!

Now every 6 months I get scoped. After the last check up Doc says every 12 for a scope every 6 for a pee test. Boy am I gonna miss getting scoped. The thing looks like a straw and feels like a sewer line.

Stats

Posts: 90

Photos: 7

Events: 0

My Supporters: 163

I Support: 298

Comments: 1002

Mac's Cancer Blog

90

This is my 90th post. Some of you are making your first and your wondering what in the world you are doing here. Let me help.

You are healing
You are surviving
You are helping all of us heal and survive.

You are crying
You are laughing
You are making sure none of us are alone

That is why the Queen created this place. She looked into the dark loneliness of cancer and said, “Bullshit! Nobody should do this alone!”

So you are here to honor the ideal that this is scary enough and that having someone reach out to you in the darkest night cancer can muster, is wonderful.

In 90 posts I have cried, laughed, loved, cried. I have made friends that I may never meet, but without whom I might have never made it this far. I have read first posts and last posts. I have sat for hours and stared at this screen praying for just one more post from a friend, knowing that it would never come. Then I have gone and given thanks for what their struggle has added to my life.

I pray you get comfortable enough to post the intimate details and hardships of your journey. It releases you from dragging the burdens and it allows us affirmation that we are not alone in our burdens.

BFAC is an amazing community and I continue to be blessed beyond measure by all of you.

The Queen does not get enough accolades, but I, the BFAC Court Jester send Mad Love towards the west (Colorado is west of Indiana) for giving us all a place to come home to.

If you are considering if this is the place for you let me suggest you read the most amazing stories of hope and life ever recorded.

To my family I send love. Goodnight. If I had a “pale
vagina” or “tattooed nipples” this post would be much different…

Mac

Posted on April 26, 2012 at 7:24:39 PM by Mac (90, 9 comments, 421 views)

11 people like this.

I am still laughing over the pale vagina. You said my thoughts and feelings so well Mac/ Thanks for being here and sharing who you are~~
You are loved

Posted on April 26, 2012 at 8:24:25 PM by Private User

Love you Mac! You are right on about everything..couldn’t have said it any better..this place keeps me as sane as I can be and I have met such wonderful people..I am in awe of everyone of them..and yes! Thanks to the Queen! Don’t know what I would have done sometimes without this site! Love you! And hope today is a good one! Hugs!

Posted on April 27, 2012 at 4:20:45 AM by Eileen

Oh wise one, you have said it all so well once again! The Queen definitely rocks—an so do you!

Love ya!

Posted on April 27, 2012 at 4:26:15 AM by Private User

Sending love from Pittsburgh to the Queen and the Court Jester.

Posted on April 27, 2012 at 4:27:28 AM by Nancy Glass

Mad love is what it’s all about indeed. All hail the queen and her court jester. You’ve once again taken the words with out of all our mouths. Peace and happy weekend to you , kind sir. Hugs!

Posted on April 27, 2012 at 8:44:20 AM by Patti

No it wouldn’t.
You, I love
period

Posted on April 27, 2012 at 3:59:08 PM by Debbie

Well said Mac! you rock too!

Posted on May 2, 2012 at 6:40:17 AM by Charity

Sending love right back at’cha, Pal!

{HUGS}

Kathy

Posted on May 6, 2012 at 6:29:18 PM by Kathy

Mac your posts are a work of art! So beautiful!
d xoxo

Posted on May 11, 2012 at 9:16:06 AM by Mendoguy

A Thought

Just a bit more rambling. I feel as though I may have struck a chord the other day. Several of the responses to my hatred of my scars echoed the sentiment but also revealed another aspect of our survival that is worth talking about. This seems especially true since our community has grown so large and so many newcomers may have missed out on some of the more subtle aspects of our shared blessing.

It is okay to be survive cancer and still be pissed!
That may sound like a no brainer now, but there will come a day when you will feel as though you have to choose one or the other. “You should be thankful you survived, when so many have not.” If you have not heard it yet I will bet the farm you will. Let me try and release you from this absurd sentiment. Thankful and angry are not opposites.

I am thankful I survived my last house fire. I am angry that the man running the truck did not know how to get me water. (I was a volunteer firefighter)

I am thankful I survived being mauled by a bear. I am angry the zoo keeper left the cage open.

I am thankful I survived cancer. I am angry it left me with scars.

I refuse to grade my cancer experience by comparing it to someone else’s. That is asking me to discount my broken leg because I did not fall from the 5th floor like the other guy. I only fell from the 3rd, so I should be thankful. I may be thankful, but I still have a broken leg…

Surviving something and getting past something are not synonymous. Thankfully, many people survive cancer. Getting past it is another thing all together and we need to understand that for ourselves, for our sanity. We need to honor our survival with the honesty to acknowledge that survival and healing are not always the same.

I am ever thankful I survived…but I am still hate the scars!

Prayers and blessing to all
Mac

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 6:09:33 AM by Mac (A Thought, 21 comments, 378 views)

4 people like this.

Kiwifestor sent you a hug.

I’m thankful, and angry too. I wont be satisfied until I feel like I did before cancer. I dont want to settle for anything less, and be satisfied with that. Anger keeps me going and trying to improve. Wether it helps or not, I dont know yet, but in my mind it does. I’m also not the type to turn the other cheek either, and will get even, living well is my revenge lol. Take care Mac, rant on!

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 6:19:45 AM by Paul

You are right, Mac (as usual!). It’s okay to be thankful and angry all at the same time!

Love,

Martha

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 6:38:03 AM by Private User

I am proud of my scars. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here. I am happy as hell to be alive.

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 6:39:00 AM by Laurie

I have tears in my eyes. Thank you so much, Mac. I feel so deeply understood and blessed by your words.

Peace,
Kathy

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 6:44:49 AM by Kathy

Again Mac this post is also amazing. You say what we all think. I hate my scars as I look like someone tried to behead me or slit my throat. I am happy with still being able to look at te grass from this side of the ground, but get very frustrated with all the issues that cancer has left me with. Hopefully with all the acupuncture/physio/massage I am do I will be able to reduce the issues to the one big one, the swallow problem, and then I can concentrate on getting rid of that one. Hopefully over time both the physical and mental scars willlighten for all of us. Until then I hate my scars too! God Bless and lots of hugs Val

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 6:49:44 AM by Private User

You have such a great way of putting things, Mac, and making me understand how it is I feel (which sometimes is hard to grasp). I had felt guilty that after surviving, I hated the scars instead of being grateful I’m alive. You’ve made me see I can do both. Thank you.

Mari

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 7:42:48 AM by Private User

Thank you! I wish I could share this post with my family, I am so tired of hearing that I will still be loved and that I will live and so on and so on when I know all of that but I hate that I won’t look like I used to, I finally stopped talking to them because of it

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 7:46:38 AM by Kiwifestor

I am angry cancer makes me feel like an outsider in some situations but I am thankful, forever thankful that I have met you because of it.

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 7:57:21 AM by Blogforacure

Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts, I can relate to every single word of it and it cheers me up that other people do have the same opinion about it. It’s not that people surrounding us say it with words, but you notice it in their behavior and views, that the secretly think that one should be thankful and leave them with it – it’s over for them, so we should just shut up and stop annoying them. I’m also angry and disappointed and raging, so I kind of enjoy your rambling cause it is in accord with my own. So again : thank you a lot. And to quote my previous speakers : Rant on! :)

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 8:40:27 AM by Moeki

You know, having played hockey in my youth, I have many scars and I have found one universal truth… Chicks dig scars :) But seriously, I agree with you that scars are a bummer. They are a permanent reminder of the hell we went through. They are very annoying.

God Bless

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 8:53:45 AM by Brian

I am thankful to have got through it….angry that it chose me and changed my life forever. I can’t forget it—like some people seem to want me to do—but I’m glad it is not controlling my days and nights as it once did. Thanks for this post.

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 11:07:33 AM by Rachel

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 11:17:48 AM by Elena

Mac,
I am an old-timer on this blog… as I’ve been a member for years now. Like many others on this blog, I’ve been one of your biggest fans. Yet, like too many others, I’ve fallen silent. As some of us reach our ‘4,5, or longer’ anniversary dates from surviving cancer, we tend to leave behind the pack of others we befriended here on the blog. Maybe we’re tired of talking about it? Maybe we were too heartbroken after losing so many fellow BFAC friends from this disease? Maybe we fear remembering our own experiences might somehow call it (the cancer) back, and breathe new life into this deadly disease? Who knows why we depart and move on with our lives and try our best to forget. But you have every right to be angry. And no one else can tell you that you should in fact thank your lucky stars that you fared better than others. I see my scars every day. I do get angry. I am still somewhat ‘young’ (as far as someone getting cancer goes) and sometimes when I look at my body in the mirror, I feel like the Bride of Frankenstein – minus the frizzed out hair and bulging eyes. But, I have read each and every one of your brilliant posts, and now I’m angry. I’m angry that I haven’t been keeping in touch with this blog. I’m angry that we don’t all support each other – because nothing we feel can be wrong – since freedom of expression is what this blog is all about. I’m thankful to be a survivor. I’m thankful for this blog. I’m thankful for you. And I’m thankful for the memories I’ve had with those who lost their battle. But, exactly what you say, I’ll never ever ever be thankful for getting cancer!
Thank you Mac!
P.S. Look up The Scar Project online. A photographer has taken many beautiful photos of women wearing their scars proudly. It makes me weepy every time I look at these amazing photos!

Kelly

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 11:19:48 AM by Private User

Nice to meet you, Kelly. Welcome back.
xoxo

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 10:43:48 PM by Debbie

OMG I got the chills reading this. I cant believe how you have written my exact thoughts. The other day when I was commenting on ur “Scars” blog those were my exact thoughts. I just didnt know how to put it into words. AND HERE U GO. LOVEIT! I battle with these thoughts DAILY…

Its like I think WOW Im so mad at how “C” has scarred my life…N then I think of the others who dont make it n I begin to feel selfish. But u said it, we have every right to be mad. N we r not selfish for being mad bcuz it is not “FAIR” that we should live with these scars. ughhhh N another thought is when everyone on here understands how we feel….it releives me….but Im always afraid that I might come across as “Misery loves company” Its sooooo not the case. This “C” stuff takes a toll on ur thoughts. I feel as tho every thought is calculated.

In any event…reading ur blogs makes me feel great. You put it all in perspective for me. I thankyou for that.

Best regards to all,
E :)

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 11:29:30 AM by Elena

That was good for me to read. It is easy to get caught up in thankfulness, and forget about the crap that cancer throws at us. Yes I am thankful, but also, I don’t assume. I don’t take good health for granted, and never will again. Cancer woke me up, it made me stop wasting my time on things that were not important. But yes, it makes me mad that I had cancer. That 3 out of 4 of my sisters have had cancer and the only one so far who hasn’t still smokes like a chimney. Not that I want her to get sick, but it just doesn’t make sense. Scars don’t get to me as much, I’ve had 4 children and that left scars. Mental scars are sure there.

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 12:09:52 PM by Lois

Amen! That is exactly how I feel a lot of times and my friends (and I know they mean well) don’t get it!

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 12:13:27 PM by Private User

Mac life is afterall a giant pissing contest some are jealous of the size of the others hose, some of how far others can pee, and yet some just wish they could pee normally again. We never know whats its like to walk in another mans shoes but alas at some point I guess we should just be happy we have a shot at walking. Have a good one bud keep the wind in your face and the bugs in your teeth !

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 5:18:25 PM by Mike Rada

As usual, a great post, Mac. Surgery is the ultimate violation of our bodies. While we are unconscious, someone slices us open and mucks around in our innards. I have 20” of surgery scars on my 60” tall body. I see my neck surgery every time I look in the mirror. Thank you, Mac, for explaining all this.

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 7:23:59 PM by Andrea

Beautifully said!

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 9:53:02 PM by Private User

Thank you.
xoxo

Posted on April 24, 2012 at 10:39:45 PM by Debbie

Good Thoughts.I admit i feel that way sometimes but i just don;t want to waste any energy or time being angry.So i just move on and i suspect that we are all doing that one way or another.